Betrayal and trust loss are a significant part of why so many people are avoiding dating now. Now, if you’re not ready or you don’t want to date, that’s fine. You’re not obligated to be in a relationship, to get married, or to have children. But if part of you wants to date and it feels like there’s something holding you back, it is possible to change… to open your heart again so that you feel safe and confident dating.
The experience of betrayal is very human. It’s something everyone has experienced firsthand in their life to varying degrees, of course.
How is it that some people manage to go on after betrayal?
Even a very severe experience of betrayal and they find meaningful connections in their life again. They have rewarding, fulfilling lives after the betrayal. Where other people- it’s like they get a little bit more jaded, a little bit more angry or bitter day after day after day.
One very simple concept.
It is the difference between unresolved betrayal and resolved betrayal.
One leads to more pain. The other leads to more pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction from their life.
Unresolved betrayal creates what people refer to as self-sabotaging behavior. I would describe self-sabotaging behavior as behavior that leads to more pain. It either maintains the pain or it adds to the pain.
There are so many different ways that this can look and it’s very dependent on the individual.
- It could be choosing the unbearable pain of feeling lonely day after day after day but refusing to risk being betrayed.
- It can look like replacing human companionship with dopamine-boosting addictions. For example, food binging, drug addiction, and corn. I think you guys know what I’m saying there.
- It can look like spending time and investing your emotions into people that deep down, you know, aren’t a good fit for you. You know it’s not going somewhere healthy, but you do it anyway. You get that rush, the high, the dopamine hit.
- It can look like refusing to commit when someone that you know is a good fit for you is standing right in front of you.
- It can even look like becoming the betrayer. Being the person that is doing the cheating and the lying so that you’re no longer the one on the other side of that.
On an unconscious level, these kinds of behaviors seem to be protecting you because it’s keeping the experience of betrayal away.
However, on a conscious level, you know it’s destructive.
People usually describe this as feeling stuck.
They want to go forward in their life, but they just can’t seem to do it. They keep making the wrong choices because part of them knows that this one thing over here would be really good for them, but there’s this other part of them pulling them in a different direction, like that inner tug of war.
Unable to choose.
Unable to change.
Something that I always hear people say is, “Yeah, I know what I’m supposed to do, but I’m not doing it.” Or they’ll change for a week or a couple of weeks and then they go back to the old way.
If you are someone who has been wondering why you are the way you are, those blocks can be resolved.
What does that look like when that pain is resolved?
Those pain-creating behaviors get replaced with more of you. You are the one that gets to decide who you want to be! Someone that you value, who now is also adding more value to other people’s lives. Having more of the experiences that you want to have.
Resolving betrayal, you’ll know it’s been resolved because your heart becomes more open to healthy love.
Healthy love isn’t perfect, but it is stable, consistent, satisfying, and rewarding over time. Resolving self-sabotage, or what I like to call pain-inducing behavior, makes it possible for you to nurture and grow deeper connections.
Connections that have that extra spark, intrigue, the magnetic attraction, and it’s mutual. Those are rare, so cherish them when you find them.
Do the inner work so that you can let go of the pain-inducing behaviors and make room for those healthy, satisfying, rewarding connections.
If you want to know more about the process I use for resolving betrayal and trust issues, I offer free one-on-one consultations.